I stopped offering healing sessions back in May of 2015. There were several reasons why I had to step away from my work, but the main reason was because I had changed. I gave birth to my son that February and something in me shifted. I knew it almost immediately and when it started to take shape a few months later, I had to stop. Because I knew that I was about to journey into some of the darkest places of my soul, and I needed to shield my clients from that.
I had postpartum depression for a year. It was the most harrowing, terrifying, and ugliest place I have ever been. It made me want to die. Admitting that to you is embarrassing and shameful, as your practitioner and educator. But this is me, stepping into the light. Wounds and all. Owning my scars.
In the darkest moments, I fought, I reached out to family, I never kept silent. I almost left my husband. I once almost ended my life. But I fought, and eventually conquered the depression. It was a journey with a purpose that I had to endure. I come from a lineage of women who were not as lucky. They were locked up in facilities, given electroshock treatment, and destroyed – never allowed to raise their own children. I believe that I was meant to face this in order to end the cycle. For them, for my family, and for my son.
During the worst of it, we chose to rehome our beloved dogs. I still have not forgiven myself for this. But they are much happier, in loving environments more conducive to their needs. So, one day, I may.
I’m writing a book about it all, but it’s hard to face and even harder to own. But it’s all part of the process. Transparency, in all its exposure, can be very healing.
It’s been over six months now since the depression left me, just as quietly as it came in. You just wake up one day and realize that you haven’t had any symptoms of it in a while. When it’s over, you have to look at what’s in front of you and decide where to go from here. I was not idle in this time, and have completed all of my educational materials for the full Reiki certification: Levels 1 through RMT. I am still mending in some ways, so I am not feeling ready to offer services as a practitioner just yet. But I am ready to teach again. And I’ve done a rebrand. It’s just me – no more business name required.
I understand that it might be strange to accept that someone like me could have gotten so deeply depressed as I did. I feel like we all have doors in our heads, and it takes a perfect storm for some of them to open and unleash the havoc that was always waiting there. Some of it was chemical deficiency, which has been corrected with herbs and supplements (fish oil, chaste tree, and motherwort to name a few). And I think some of it was just heredity. But, I can say that my energy training helped me tremendously in recognizing what was happening and understanding that it wasn’t me – it was just happening through me. I’ve read many articles about women who did not know how to make that distinction, and most of them didn’t survive it. I count my blessings every day.
To those of you who had credits with me back in 2015; as promised, those have not expired. So, if you’d like to use credits towards classes, we can work out how they translate. Or, just hold onto them because I do plan to reemerge as a practitioner.
I appreciate you all greatly and look forward to seeing you all again soon.